On Good Behavior: Women's Restrooms and Online Spaces

by Tianna Loverde | @tiannaloverde

Why are situationships seemingly harder to get over than actual relationships? At this point, it’s been longer since things ended with this person and me than the amount of time we were even together, but I still find myself thinking about them all the time.

Have you been edged before? Do you remember what it feels like to be suspended within hazy pleasure where there’s a promise of release just beyond reach? You can feel it, but it’s not yours yet. And there’s never a better orgasm than the one you’re about to have. Unless…you don’t have it. Instead, your partner retreats, rolls over, and falls asleep instantly. While you stare at the ceiling and imagine pulling out every hair on their head one by one.

Anyway, situationships are a lot like that! You spend the most romantic night of your life with someone, but you wake up the next morning and it’s all over. And you’re like, but you kissed my stuffed animals goodnight last night, and I told my mailman about you? It doesn’t make sense. We were just getting to the good part. And it would’ve been soooooooo good.

…Would it have been? Our imaginations can be very generous, especially when informed by lust or attraction. The truth is you don’t really know this person. In the short time you’ve spent together, you probably haven’t seen them in a bad mood or seen them tell a joke in front of a group of people that does not land. Of course they are the love of your life! I totally believe you. Except it is in the presence of these humiliating, human moments when you know if you really love someone. Not in their absence.

What is real and objective in this situation is that this person has left you confused and hurt. As many situationships do. Confusion lingers — it’s why you’re still thinking about them. It tricks us into searching for meaning or answers where there are none (my favorite hobby). But I can’t tell you why this person did what they did. Neither can your friends or the stranger standing next to you in line. This person may not even be able to tell you why they did it. So, what now?

Well, what I can tell you with absolute certainty is that you will get over it. It mostly takes time, but also effort. Ewwwwwww, I know. It’s so fun holding onto things. But baby, you and I both know they are not worth it. It’s time to say goodbye. It’s okay if it takes a thousand tries. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye until eventually you’re like, wait, what am I even leaving…?

And I’ve found that it’s usually at that exact moment when you’ll walk headfirst into something new that will make you lose your mind. Because life is ruthless and rewarding and sexy if you allow it to be. Let it push you past the edge. Chances are you’ll find what you’ve been missing.

♥︎

I’m a woman who can’t stand the girl exchange in the women’s restroom at the clubs/bars. It dawns on me that I’m not a girl’s girl. The loudness, the crowd that forms inside when clearly there are too many people in this two-stall restroom, the lack of urgency, and the fake compliments just to avoid awkwardness. I just need to pee!

Can I be honest? I hate the term girl’s girl. Every self-proclaimed “girl’s girl” has tried to ruin my life (told me I would look good with a bob). I am very suspicious of the trend to constantly categorize ourselves because it creates these nebulous expectations that mean nothing…

ANYWAY. I hear you. Having to pee is actually torture, especially when everyone is busy doing drugs. Give me some or get out!!! Have you tried using the men’s bathroom? Once, a girl standing beside me in a long line for the women’s bathroom grabbed my hand and sort of dragged me to the men’s where there was no line. We peed in a stall together and she said, you have great boobs, can I see them? I showed her and she screamed! I follow her Substack now. All to say — using a men’s bathroom is a pretty good hack (unless you’re at a gay bar).

In a more spiritual sense, I’m curious about your use of the word “fake.” Is it that these compliments and interactions feel performative because they are, or is it because you can’t access this behavior? It’s perfectly okay if you can’t, but I’d challenge you to resist labeling them as fake. You may be right that some of these interactions are informed by performance, but also maybe…they’re not? Once an experience is Named, it’s easy to feel like it’s lost any sense of authenticity. But when I put my hand up to my crush’s hand to compare the size difference, I still mean it despite the reputation of the act. You know?

Let your guard down a tiny bit. Who knows? The next time you walk into the bathroom, you may compliment a girl’s dress. Crazier things have happened. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I wanna go dancing!!!!

♥︎

I've lowkey been in love with all of my guy friends at different points. It’s such a problem because I’ve known them all for years. I’ve had different moments with each of them where I was like, wait, maybe you are my soulmate. Then like a week later, I was like, what am I thinking? I once thought men and women could be platonic friends. Some of them can, but I do not believe it’s always 100% platonic. At some point, someone has to have been like �� and either gotten over it or the other person just doesn’t know. That’s my tea.

Hmmmm. I don’t abide by the notion that men and women can’t be friends. Because the principle suggests that gay men wouldn’t be friends with gay men, lesbians wouldn’t be friends with lesbians, bisexuals are friendless, etc. That being said, I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a straight man who was single and didn’t try to sleep with me at one point…

Sorry, I just blacked out. Basically — it is possible. Though, I’m more interested in you believing you’re in love with many of your friends. It’s a wonderful thing to have friendships you’re so invested in that you begin to question the nature of them. But if it’s happening all the time only for you to change your mind, it may mean that something else is going on.

It reminds me of being at a party and turning your head every time the door opens to check if the love of your love just arrived. Sure, the suspense is fun, but people can tell when you’re half listening and looking behind them. And when The One never shows, you’ll leave feeling bummed. It’s romantic to cry in the back of an Uber sometimes but not always and you should mean it when you do.

When I’ve noticed this kind of behavior in myself, I’ve had to do the really annoying thing of wondering what my life was missing that I was craning my neck to find? And why did attention from a man feel less special if it wasn’t motivated by attraction? When there’s no one looking, who am I? That sort of thing.

♥︎

All we have is now. Try to avoid wondering about what these friendships could be and let that reveal itself in time. If they are your soulmate, I promise talking to someone boring at a party won’t keep you from them. It actually might give you something to bond over later. And what’s better than that?

How do I stop stalking my ex's social media?

Ugh. My mom loves to remind me that back in her day after you broke up with someone, you barely knew if they were dead or alive. She’s soooo old. Anyway, can you imagine? Now, because of the gorgeous invention of social media, we are all so tethered to the past in a way that we were never meant to be.

It’s really hard. I can give you so many reasons why you shouldn’t stalk your ex but chances are you already know them and you’ll continue to stalk them until you grow bored of it. Or you’ll see something that’ll leave you with a pit in your gut big enough to prevent you from continuing. People act so freaky after a breakup. But you’re only hurting yourself by indulging in their online behavior.

Unfollowing can be helpful. I know, wouldn’t that seem like I care too much? In these sorts of situations, I imagine that it’s not a secret you still care. And you shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. It’s beautiful of you to feel. I’m so saddened by the desire to appear apathetic. What else are we doing here on this earth?

In any case, what’s helped me is to give my password to a friend when I’m using social media in an unhealthy way. Which is an oxymoron in itself. But, try it! Go on a walk and pretend you’re a novelist who’d look at Instagram with the sort of foreign curiosity that a dog approaches a vegetable with. What do these buttons do? I have chills just thinking about it…

Tianna Loverde is a writer based in Los Angeles, California. She has a Substack titled “Tuesday’s Gossip” where she publishes personal essays. She loves blushing, the day when you’re waiting for your film to develop, and wearing pajamas in public.