A Conscious Awareness That We Have No Meaning (and other works by Brenna Hampton)

By Brenna Hampton | @bhampy

So, How Will It Be?

There is nothing romantic about dying

It does not bring reconciliation or healing, though you wish it would

There is no peace made with the living

You are gone, and nothing more

That is it

When the pain starts to catch up from where you've left it

And the icy shadow shackles your bones

The jittery fingers that tap, tap, tap

Against your cup

The lonesome warrior

The Man Among Men

The quiet, kind girl

They will call you after it has passed

But that’s not what you see or want, is it?

Weakened,

Fatigued,

Manic,

Angry,

Washed Up

And Dripped Dry,

Though they will never see it the same as you

Is it enough where you are?

Strands of blues and yellow hues,

Surround the barrier of which you reside

You can never know for sure

What they will miss when you are gone

But make no mistake,

You will be alone

Wherever you land

You will not have a second chance

And that is your greatest mistake

Your worst nightmare

And even still, your favorite endeavor

The Moment

You asked me why I was so nice to everyone, but to you the most. And for a moment I was confused. You see, I thought it was obvious. You’ve asked me this question what seems like a million times before, but now is different. You’re looking at me as if I’m made of glass, desperate for an answer, searching for whatever you can find through the depths of my eyes. A stare so intense, so compelling that I can’t seem to pull myself away. A few more seconds pass before I finally break the connection and avert my eyes to somewhere, anywhere other than the intensity of your own. Looking down, I provide you with the only answer I have, the only explanation I can trust to carry the weight of my truth.

"Because I love you," the words stumble from my lips like broken English, their familiarity flows through the air, exposing me to the responsibility that comes with their profession. Feeling somewhat broken, I slowly look back up to meet your gaze, only to find your head now resting on the pillow in the opposite direction. I stay up a bit longer, trying to catch up with the pace of my thoughts. A light tug on my sweatshirt snaps me back to where we are, bringing me down to lie on the bed.

Generally, I don’t like being close to people. It makes me uncomfortable, nervous. But it’s different with you, everything’s different with you. I pull you into my arms, your head now situated below the base of my shoulder, while your arms snake their way around my sides, finding their spot underneath my back. I’m now left with the silence of my thoughts, you breathing steadies and I feel myself start to relax as my hand gently grazes the length of your back. This seems to last for hours, I never really fall asleep when we’re together like this. Sometimes I’m afraid to fall asleep, afraid to miss these moments with you. Because for me, they are the ones I tend to remember the most. These are the moments I’ve been looking back on most frequently.

Suddenly, I feel a slight but distinct movement underneath my hand. It shakes and it scares me so I find myself moving in a bit closer, as if the closeness of my body can somehow make it stop. I’m quick to realize that the blankets aren’t really covering your arms, you’re cold. I pull up the blankets and make sure they surround your body. Returning to my thoughts, I’m hit with a realization that something’s changed. I feel different, my mind spins and my heart speeds up. It can’t be, it just can’t. It would ruin everything, it would ruin this moment right now. I tell myself that I just got caught up in the moment, but when I look down at your head peacefully resting on my chest, I know that I’m only lying to myself. The truth is there, it’s right in front of me. I think it always has been. Is this what love is?

A Conscious Awareness That We Have No Meaning

I don’t know how to put these feelings into words

I know that I am feeling—

Well, I think so

But how do I express them?

How do I condense them to fit within comprehension

There is Numb

Cold

Blank

Exasperation

Desperation

But those are only a few

And they will never be enough,

Just like me

It is suffocating to live so hollow

Life is meant for more than broken pieces

The thought of something greater,

Bigger and stronger

Somewhere beyond our understanding,

Well I’m just not sure.

All I know is—

My greatest fears have entangled with my reality

And I have suffered through each entirely

So while I am still unsure

About God

And the Universe

And Things Of That Sort,

I have suffered a lifetime of abandoned truths

So really,

What more could I have to lose?

Thoughts From A Starbucks 1000 Miles From Home

You won't forget the promises you’ve broken,

Silence driven hope fuels the unspoken

The moment you chose to walk away

Did you honestly think I’d be okay?

Put down the phone

Delete the conversations

Block until you’re blind

Move on, it’s not that hard

Find someone new to touch

Drink, you never got to drink

Read and learn and meet people

Go to college, it’s what everyone else is doing

Go Brenna, why are you not moving?

Run. Run until you feel yourself drop

Hit the ground and soak it in

It doesn’t have to hurt, but you know that it will

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

This is what you wanted, remember?

Push and push until they leave like she did

Do not hope, it only makes everything worse

Plug your ears and do not listen

Think until you’re empty again

Revisit old habits

No one ever really changes, don’t act so surprised

For someone so destructive, you should’ve sooner realized

Your love is lost, but at what expense?

Your sense of self?

Your passions?

Your goals?

What are you doing, Brenna?

Who have you become?

This isn't you

You don’t know and it scares you

You have nothing more to look to

With swollen lips and body so cold,

You wait for the one you’d only ever let hold

But she is gone and the touch is no more

Tell me now, for whom are you living for?